My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
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relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
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Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
They’re called werewolves.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?