Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
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Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.