You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
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HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp