WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
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(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
This makes total sense…
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns