Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
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You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Optional boss fight.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
yeah no that’s fair
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂