For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
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Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Just a friendly reminder!
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.