Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
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*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.