Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Holy crap this is wonderful
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!