Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
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Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.