Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
worst…sale…ever
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
I don’t get marriage
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone