My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
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{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.