To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
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having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
termite twitter scares me
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
being a writer on Twitter:
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Happy Caturday!
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter