Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
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Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.