No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
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interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back