remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
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“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I was just discussing this with my cat
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
“No way.” -Jose
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.