You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
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Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.