My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
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Same pineapple, same
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern