GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
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I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
How do you milk an almond?
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
#growingpains
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.