Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
You Might Also Like
this is so top tier i cant
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.