They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
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I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.