There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
You Might Also Like
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.