Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
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Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Discuss
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.