My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?