There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
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yeah no that’s fair
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
This probably isn’t good
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”