Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
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I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
i spent way too long on this
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Feels
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.