Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
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lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”