Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
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Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.