I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
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“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.