normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
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“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
I hope they boil the right one.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.