[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
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Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
How animals would run if they were human
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
#winning
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
A choir of Spring onions