Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
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hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
your honor my client chooses dare
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.