Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
all bases covered
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die