Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
You Might Also Like
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Sniffing the broccoli
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
incredible
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…