whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
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“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me