People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
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*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
hmmm
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)