I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
#NeverForget
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
This is a sub tweet
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.