Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
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Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle