imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
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I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
want me to check your oil?
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack