gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
The options really are this bad
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell