Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
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Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.