I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
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My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Basically.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).