Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
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doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone