Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
new wife guy just dropped
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!