dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
You Might Also Like
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go