Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
You Might Also Like
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.