Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
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I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My wedding will be open casket.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
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If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.