Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
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We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
do what now??
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.