Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Scream sneezers need love too.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Become a minion. Get that bread.