Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
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9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Don’t touch that.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.