When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
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If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I’m crying im so happy for them
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.